Heartache and Growth

I awaken so sad this morning.

Mark didn't sleep again. He said he honestly doesn't know what is wrong. I think the night was too hot again (last night was warmer than the night before), and the bed is harder than at home, so it makes it different in an uncomfortable way, despite the fact that he says he likes a hard bed. There are several pharmacies nearby, so he will stop to try to find something to help him sleep. I am hopeful he will find something. I will also try to adjust his evening a little...little rituals that prepare him for sleep...bedtime tea from home (I brought some with us.), a cool cloth for his face...I don't know. I will try anything. *sigh*

And the other reason I am very sad this morning is because I had nightmares. After having such a wonderful day yesterday learning about the culture and how people interact, some of the conversation turned to some of the misunderstandings about each other's countries. Mark and I were outside, in the cool night air/breeze, talking with Mohamned (who has been such a good friend to us). We talked about how truly touched we are at how well-taken-care-of we are by all whom we meet, and how joyful the people are here, despite the difficulties of very little money and the travel issues. We said that part of what we will tell others is how different it is here than it is in the news, and that what we hear on the tele is not necessarily how it is all over. Mohamned said the same thing about what people here think about living in America. He said that people here tend to think it is dangerous and violent for all of us back home. He said that they hear songs/music and the news and think that it's hard to live in America. Mohamned's brother, Husam, travels in America often, and he tells Mohamned that it isn't true...that America is beautiful and safe, and that the problems are in some areas, but that the people in America are good to him and make him very welcome and cared about. Mohamned said that he corrects his friends or others here who may not understand America/Americans, and that the Americans who come to be with his family here are really kind and good people. We asked him about the checkpoints (He was stopped for an hour in the hot sun the other day when he went to Ramallah to see a friend.) He told us of a friend of his who was stripped in front of all by a woman guard and then the other guards beat him that way, and that he was shamed and hurt. He said that we could see it for ourselves (meet him), and we asked why they would do that. Mohamned said that many Israeli young people do not want to be in the military, and that they see young men like himself as the reason they must be there, unhappy, and that they are angry because of that. When Mohamned talked about this, he didn't show ANY hatred for the guards. He expressed how much he wished they understood that he doesn't hate them, and that he was sad that they felt anger or didn't like him/others like him. Now let me reinforce for you what kind of person Mohamned is...He has been kind, patient, and giving of everything he has. He and his family treat us as family, giving us all they can, all they have. They are joyful and so wonderful to be with, and it saddened me last night to hear him talk about the things that one would think could be solved by two people looking at each other as individuals, in that one moment, and to make the choice to be good to each other. I explained that I teach about the Civil Rights Movement in my classes, and what a process of changing the way so many people think and interact in the culture in America, but that if we can do it, it can be done anywhere. Mohamned saw how much Mark and I believe in the equality of all human beings, and how we feel so deeply that all people deserve dignity and love. My heart breaks to think of how much work there is for that here due to misunderstanding and past insults to their families. My heart aches for both Israel and Palestine, like two siblings who fight or try to talk, but are so hurt...But you must understand how much hope there is here, too. There is hope amongst the people here. I believe in the hearts and souls of all these people, Israeli and Palestinian, and I see the love and joy they have, and I hope for them...and in turn, for all the World.

So my bad dreams last night were because of this heartache. My dreams were filled with being chased, trying to protect my children from those who might hurt us, and running to find a safe place...doing anything I could to protect them...anything. The emotions of a mother's heart and soul are universal. If we are to heal this world, I believe it is the mothers who must demand it, guide it, understand it, and teach it to their children, so that anything short of peace is unacceptable on a deep, matrilineal level...instinctual. I passionately believe and teach that all deserve to live, to love, to learn, to share, and to speak their hearts with respect. It is the core of what drives me to be a teacher. There are many here who believe it, too. I will defend anyone's rights to these things, no matter their nationality. Do I sound idealistic? Only to cynics. Mrs. Lyndon Baines Johnson believed the same things. I met her, listened to her speak, have worked with her daughter Luci on many occasions in my teachings, and Mrs. Johnson never stopped believing and working for those things, despite others around her to tried to change that. She was powerful because of her clarity and deep love of others...and her commitment to equality and dignity for all have always inspired me.

I think Mrs. Johnson would have enjoyed the teaching, the interactions with others yesterday. At one point, when we returned from the university last evening, Aria (Mohamned's mother) took my hand and invited me over to sit with some friends of hers who had come for a short visit. The women were all sitting together in a circle, and more kept arriving. Some from Jordan, Syria, Jeruselem, Beit Sahour...and they all laughed and were so animated and so much fun to be with...they worked to include me and truly made me feel that I was one of them and welcome, despite the fact that I didn't understand a word they said. I watched the language of their faces and their bodies...I listened to the intonations and the lyrics of their voices...the pace of their words...They were wonderful. They would sometimes take my hand and talk with me or to the others about me, and a few words could be translated by Aria so that I could understand. They all invited me to their homes, to their work...many of the women work with little children as teachers, or they work with special needs people...giving them work to do so that they have a way to live. The women want to take me to the market and teach me to shop for spices and other things. They want to give me tea and show me their lives. Who cannot be touched by this love and openness??? How is it that anyone can ever say that God, the Universe, is not present in those moments, those people? I cannot believe how fortunate I am, and I understand why I am here, why my path has brought me here, a little better.

We are better people, better souls in this world, when we see God/the Universe in others and the beauty of the lives that exist here with us. We must reflect this beauty back at the world in order to change it, and we must do it in a myriad of ways so as to learn as well as teach. In this, we gain depth, dimension, and hope.

As flawed as this world can be, I love it. It pains me sometimes, and I beg for understanding and love in all we do. It's why we're here, I think...to learn those things.

I love you all very much, and I miss you beyond words. Truly.

V